Abbott and Costello fanfic 2012 - Smart Phones
by Retrograde
Summary: An original routine, as if the fellows performed in 2012.


Abbott and Costello performed many sketches besides "Who's on First" for stage and radio. They typically involved misunderstood words and communication disconnects. This modern-day sketch is entirely by me, but I tried to give it maximum authenticity. They can't sue me now, can they?

* * *

**HEY ABBAAAT! **  
Oh, for pity's sake! I'm right here! What is it?  
**Well, I was just wonderin' if you heard from Murray lately. See, he was sendin' me postcards from his trip to China, and they just stopped comin'! **  
Now what have I been telling you all along? You ought to get yourself a smart phone.  
**I don't wanna smart phone. I want my phone nice and dumb. **  
What's wrong with having a smart phone?  
**I just don't want my phone gettin' any ideas, see? The smartest thing in my house should be me! **  
Well, far be it from me to disturb _that _delicate balance! But I do have a smart phone and I know exactly what's happening with Murray because he tweeted me.  
**He what? **  
He tweeted me.  
**He tweeted you? **  
That's right.  
**How did he tweet you? Did he tweet you badly? **  
What? Of course not. He tweeted me quite nicely.  
**Well I should hope so. He tweeted you on your smart phone?**  
Yes he did.  
**If I had one 'a those, people could tweet me? **  
Certainly.  
**Say you wanted to invite me down to McClanaghan's Grill and I had a smart phone, you would tweet me? **  
Sure. Why not?  
**You and me head down to the grill, your tweet?**  
No reason not to.  
**Maybe I'll reconsider this smart phone thing. **  
Now you're talking. But there's no need to worry yourself about Murray. He bought a boat in China and went on an ocean voyage.  
**He bought a boat in China? How do ya know about that? **  
He sent me a picture of his junk.  
***GASP* He did WHAT? **  
A picture. He took a picture of his junk and sent it to me.  
**Tell me you're kidding! **  
Not at all. I saw it. His junk is huge! Biggest I've seen!  
**Has the guy gone CRAZY? I can't believe he'd ****_do _****a thing like that! **  
Look, I'll show you. It's right here on my smart phone.  
**GAKK! No-ho-ho-hooo! I ain't lookin'!**  
You don't believe it? See for yourself.  
**Not...gonna...do it. **  
Look at the picture, you big baby! It's right here!  
**Don't wanna...don't wanna... **  
(kick in the pants)  
**OUCH! That's...that's a picture of a boat there. **  
Yes! That's the junk that Murray bought!  
**So, when you said "his junk", you were talkin' about that boat...'cause I thought... **  
You thought what?  
**Nuttin'...never mind. So, what Murray bought is junk? **  
Yes. He wanted an old-time sailing experience, so that's the junk he bought.  
**How can ya tell it's junk? **  
Because it's made in China...Chinese junk.  
**Now hold on there. Some of the best stuff I have was made in China! **  
Same here! I believe in quality and so does Murray. I'm sure he kept that in mind when he went junk shopping.  
**Huh? You mean when Murray was looking for a boat, junk was what he ****_wanted_****? **  
No doubt about it, and with his eye for quality, that's the junk he chose. That might be the best junk on the market.  
(pause)  
**Well, if Murray wants to go junk sailing, that's his choice! **  
Want to know where he went?  
**Yes I wanna know where he went. **  
He closed the deal, packed his junk with supplies, set sail, and immediately went Down Under.  
(sputtering fit) **D- d- DOWN UNDER? **  
Yep, without a moment's hesitation.  
**Murray...he was gonna take an ocean voyage...an' he went down under! I guess that's what happens when YOUR BOAT IS JUNK! Poor Murray! **  
Stop getting so excited! He'll be back.  
**Back? What are you sayin'? **  
I figure he'll be down there about a month, then he'll make his way back here.  
**He's c-comin' back, f-from down under? **  
Yes. He tweeted me. If you had a smart phone, he could find you quicker when he returns.  
**Find me? **  
Certainly. When he comes back from Down Under, you know Murray will come looking for you, and with a smart phone, no matter where you go, it would lead him right to you. Doesn't that sound grand?  
**No, it doesn't sound grand. In fact, I wouldn't get a smart phone if you paid me a MILLION BILLION BUCKS! **  
All right, all right. Calm down. I don't know why this smart phone business has you so upset.  
**Me? Upset? **  
Look, if it's that big a deal, maybe you should do what my Uncle Huey did. He didn't have a smart phone and his troubles were just like yours, so he ended them all with just one tablet.  
**AAGHH! WE'RE DONE TALKIN'! GOODBYE! THIS ALL NEVER HAPPENED!**

the end


End file.
